Random Thoughts For 2008

10: Life is sexually transmitted.

9: Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

8: Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

7: Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

6: Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

5: Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

4: All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

3: Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30?

2: In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

1: We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America , but we haven't got a clue as to where terrorists (Osama) are located?!

Happy New Year!

Two Months

Yes, I know that I'm a bad blogger.
Someone recently pointed out to me that today would be two months since I've posted anything. Not that John Lennon is a bad thing to have to put up with for a while though.
So, this is me posting something, anything.
New music videos will be up this week in case anyone out there cares.

Happy Birthday John Lennon

I Believe You Have My Stapler

Todays Monday Movie Moment is brought to you by:
Office Space

Peter.

Michael.

What the hell’s going on, man?
I thought you were gonna come in here and start shooting.

No. I just came to get my address book.
I’m not gonna stay.
I got a phone number, Mike, that I don’t wanna lose.

What?
Peter, you’re in deep shit.
You were supposed to come in on Saturday.
What were you doing?

Michael, I did nothing.
I did absolutely nothing…
and it was everything that I thought it could be.

Well, I hope you have a better story than that for Lumbergh.
You know you’re supposed to be having your interview right now with the consultants.

The who?

The consultants.
What has gotten into you?

Oh, yeah… right.

Wait, Peter. Peter. You gotta postpone it, man.
Tell ‘em you’ve been sick. Make something up.

Oh, no way. No, I feel great.
It’s the best day of my life.


Next batter looks like a Peter Gibbons.

Uh-huh.

Ah, there you are.
We were just talking about you.
You must be Peter Gibbons.
Uh-huh. Terrific.
I’m Bob Slydell.
This is my associate Bob Porter.

Oh, hi, Bob. Bob.

Why don’t you go ahead and grab a seat and join us for a minute or two.
You see, what we’re actually trying to do here…
is were just, we’re trying to get a feel…
for how people spend their day at work.
So if you would…
would you walk us through a typical day for you?

Yeah.

Great.

Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late.
Uh, I use the side door.
That way Lumbergh can’t see me.
And after that, I just sort of space out for about an hour.

Uh. “space out”?

Yeah.
I just stare at my desk.
But it looks like I’m working.
I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too.
I’d say in a given week…
I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual work.

Um, Peter, would you be a good sport…
and indulge us and just…
tell us a little more?

Oh, yeah.
Let me tell you something about TPS reports.
Ahh…
.....
The thing is, Bob, it’s not that I’m lazy.
It’s that I just don’t care.

Don’t… don’t care?

It’s a problem of motivation, all right?
Now, if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units…
I don’t see another dime.
So, where’s the motivation?
And here’s something else, Bob…
I have eight different bosses right now.

I beg your pardon?

Eight bosses.

Eight?

Eight, Bob.
So that means that when I make a mistake…
I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it.
That’s my only real motivation, is to not be hassled.
That and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob…
that’ll only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.

Would you bear with me for just a second, please?

OK.

What if - - and believe me… this is strictly hypothetical - -
but what if you were offered some kind of a stock option equity-sharing program?
Would that do anything for you?

I don’t know. I guess.
Listen, I’m gonna go.
Uh, it’s been really nice talking to both of you guys.

Yes.

Absolutely.
The pleasure’s all on this side of the table, trust me.

Good luck with your layoffs, all right?
I hope your firings go really well.

OK. Thanks a lot.

Great. Wow.

I'm A Thief

I stole this from SamuraiFrog who stole it from Byzantium's Shores who doesn't know why questions 8, 15, 34, 39, 40, 41, and 49 are missing.

1. You have $5 and need to buy snacks at a gas station. What do you buy?
Chips of some kind, some chocolate to balance out the salt from the chips, and because I’m health conscious, a diet Dr. Pepper to wash it down with.

2. If you were reincarnated as a sea creature, what would you want to be?
A dolphin. They’re beautiful, they’re graceful, and other than human beings, they’re the only other mammal who have sex for recreational purposes.
3. Who's your favorite redhead?
I have no freaking idea.

4. What do you order when you're at IHOP?
I love the Country Omelet (no onions), but my favorite are those Stuffed Crepes that they have about once a year. An omelet wrapped in a crepe covered in cheese and sour cream, yum. Damn it. Now I want one.

5. Last book you read?
I’m re-reading the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I forgot how wonderfully detailed the books were.

6. Describe your favorite pair of underwear.
Boy shorts. They’re comfortable and sexy.
7. Describe the last time you were injured.
I’m accident prone these days. Just yesterday while I was at the store, I somehow managed to jab my thumb into an end cap display that bent my nail from the middle of my nail bed. Hurt like a mo’fo, but, and this is the important part, I didn’t break my nail.

9. Rock concert or symphony?
Depends on my mood I guess. Could it be a rock symphony concert?

10. What is the wallpaper of your mobile phone?
View of a sunset from a bridge.

11. Favorite drink?
Can’t say that I have one. I rarely drunk, I mean drink.

12. What type of top/tee shirt are you wearing?
A pink striped polo.

13. If you could only use one form of transportation for the rest of your life what would it be?
Oh I can think of a lot of cars that I would love to have one day, but seeing as how this would be my only option for life, I’d have to go with a helicopter. You can land them just about anywhere and I wouldn’t be limited by those pesky roads.

14. Most recent movie you've watched at the movies?
Ocean’s Thirteen

16. What's your favorite kind of cake?
Oh man, that’s an unfair question. So many. A simple all time favorite of mine would be a strawberry cake with cream cheese frosting.

17. What did you have for dinner last night?
I had a gordita stuffed with ground meat, sour cream, lettuce, avocado and queso fresco with beans on the side from Los Jaliscienses. So good.

18. Look to your right what do you see?
My baby, my German Shepherd. She’s taking a nap.

19. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
I don’t have any shoes with laces on them right now, not even my tennis shoes.

20. Favorite toy as a child?
I can’t recall any specific toy, but I do remember that I loved playing in my faux kitchen. It had a working refrigerator that I would keep my food in. It even dispensed ice and water! I would give everyone water from there. I thought it was so cool.

21. Do you buy your own food?
Of course. I’m very picky.

22. Do you think people talk about you behind your back?
Doesn’t everyone? Good or bad, we all do it some point. We really shouldn’t, but it’s just part of our human nature to talk about other people.

23. When's the last time you had a sour gummy worm?
Never. I don’t really like sour candy cause, isn’t candy supposed to be uh, sweet?!

24. What's your favorite fruit?
I love cold crisp apples.

25. Do you have a picture of yourself doing a cartwheel?
Yes, I actually do. It was from high school. Of course I was a cheerleader at the time.

26. Have you ever eaten snow?
Does melted snow count? My dad and I went mountain hiking in Colorado on a family vacation and came across a small cave. It had a stream running through it. It was really beautiful.

27. What color are your bedsheets?
A mixture of purples.

28. What's your mom's favorite flower?
I have no idea. She has a flower garden full of just about everything. She loves all flowers in general.

29. Do you listen to classical music?
Of course! Don’t you? Classical music has a way of finding your soul.

30. Do you have a "wacky noodle"?
What the freak is a “wacky noodle”? If it does neat tricks, then I just might have to order one… just so long as it comes in that discreet plain brown paper packaging. Heh.

31. Do you watch Spongebob?
Nope, never have. I used to work with a guy who was a total spaz that we nicknamed Spongebob square-hair. Does that count? He did provide lots of comic relief for us at work. (This is a prime example of #22)

32. Last food you ate?
I made some breakfast quesadillas this morning that were awesome!

33. Do people consider you intelligent?
How dare you question my intellect! I have had some of the finest edumacation that this country has to offer!

35. Is your away message on?
No. If I can’t or don’t want to talk to you, I’ll tell you.

36. Have you ever tried gluing your fingers together?
Well, geez, it’s only like a requirement of being a kid!

37. What curse word do you use the most?
I’m pretty foul-mouthed at times. I’d say that I use shit and fuck just about equally.

38. What time is your alarm clock set for?
I use the alarm clock on my cell phone and at the moment it is set for 5:45 a.m.

42. What CD is currently in your CD player?
The Cure’s Mixed Up album.

43. What movie do you know every line to?
Almost every movie that I own. When I was a teenager I used to drive my dad crazy by watching The Breakfast Club every single time it came on cable. He didn’t know why I watched it when I could say the lines along with them.

44. What is your favorite salad dressing?
Can’t say that I have one. I tend to like vinaigrette's more than the heavier cream dressings that are more popular.

45. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
I have tattoos myself, so does that answer your question?

46. Do you sleep in the same bed with your pets?
No, my dog has her own bed. She only jumps into bed with me when there’s a bad storm outside.

47. Do you enjoy giving hugs?
Absolutely! Full on, no space in between body hugs are the best!

48. What part of your name do people mispronounce?
My last name. It’s Spanish, and it has double R’s. No one can ever get the tongue rolling just right.

50. If you were to become famous, would you drop your last name?
What do you mean? Don’t you know who I am?

Friday Comics Commentary

It's been two years since we've "seen" Osama
and in true American superficial form, all we can talk about is his dye job...
...shouldn't we be more concerned *cough* U.S. Intelligence *cough* in finding out where this ever elusive (by your definitions) asshole is? Hey, here's a hint: every electronic device sends out a signal. How about trying to track where that signal is coming from, huh?

And in this corner we have a pile of bullshit!
I have to say that that was some clever
non-committal, forced double talk.
Still looks like a bunch of bullshit to me.

Speaking of bullshit...
It appears that brain-dead zombies do in fact exist.
And while they are at the moment non-threatening,
their one goal may prove to be highly disastrous in the end.

If Only...

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle
on the sand & picked it up.

Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,
'Master, may I grant you one wish?'

Osama responded, 'You ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of-a-dog!
Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything.'

The shocked Genie said, 'Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever.'

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, 'Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning.
So just do it and be off with you.'

The annoyed Genie said, 'So be it!' and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton* at his side.

His penis was gone,
his knees were broken,
and he had no health insurance.

*Not that I want her in office, but it's just funny with her as part of this joke.

Forever Princess

Diana Frances Spencer
1 July 1961-31 August 1997




Princess Diana Speaks Out
The 1995 BBC Interview

Michael Vick

New Chemical Element

The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Governmentium (Gv).
Governmentium has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert;
however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to over four days to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's Mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium,
an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.